Today at Mass, however, I realized that there is a vocation we should pray for daily: the vocation of the Church Usher. I think these are the unsung heroes of many parishes when you consider just a few things they too often have to deal with:
- They have to encourage people to move down into the pew so that others may enter, a risky move because ceding the end of the pew thwarts the easy-access escape route if the priest decides to give an insufferably long homily
- They have to shepherd the perfectly-coiffed-yet-egregiously-late family into the church and find them a seat while the Gospel is being read
- They have to glower at the folks who try to "make change" in the collection basket, retrieving a Five and Four Ones in exchange for a Ten.
I salute the ushers and I wish only to encourage them in their service to the Church. In fact, I wish that we could have special usher-training seminars offered so that they could learn how to deal with issues such as:
- The location of the church's narthex. The narthex is not the phantom zone but, rather, the entrance of the church where unruly children ought to be taken when they begin to run back and forth on the pew. Ushers should be given free reign to remove the children there - in chains if necessary.
- They should know how to explain to obnoxious children that "Kneelers are for kneeling" and are not balance beams, nor are they step-stools to give one a better view of the action.
- They might be equipped with little cattle prods - we don't need them with tremendous voltage, of course - that they might use on poor-postured teens as they rest their backsides on the pew when they could very easily kneel during the consecration.
- Surely they should feel free to remind people that the sign of peace is not a code word for "recess" that enables you to take a breather from the ritual of Mass and start making plans with the kids about (1) when to leave Mass - either after communion or when the priest leaves - or (2) where to have brunch or (3) to critique the hideous dress/hat/suit the neighbor is wearing.
- They should affix signs to each pew that read, "Parents, please curb your children." Within the liturgical setting, "Curbing a child" simply means that the bags of cheerios, gum, and the varietal of fruitsnacks that are apparently necessary to feed the child during Mass are picked up and cleaned up at the end (that is, of course, if they stay until they end and don't "dine and dash" from the Communion line)
- Ushers should feel free to remind parents that little Billy certainly can sit still for an hour: he sits still for many hours when he is playing video games, as is apparent from his pasty white appearance, nascent obesity, and poor social skills. What we are celebrating at the Mass is the living bread; this is far more interesting than the living dead he shoots at on the screen.
- Ushers should feel free to escort people out of the church. If you were at the Yankees game and started running across the seats, surely you'd be tossed for being a drunk. Why is it that we tolerate behavior at the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass that we wouldn't tolerate at Nascar?
I totally own that I am being entirely misanthropic. Yet today I left Mass enraged at the gross incompetence demonstrated by some of the parents. My mother would have killed us if we had acted up during Mass. This is not to say we were perfect - far from it - but at least we were generally rather good. Today, I saw behavior that was simply intolerable and I watched with horror as one mother in particular just let it happen.
While I write this "tongue in cheek" I do wish people were more sensitive to their surroundings at Mass. People come with all sorts of issues and affairs weighing or elevating their hearts and the church ought to be a place where peace and sanctuary might be found. It's very difficult to pray with distractions -- I cannot write without there being complete silence, nor can I pray. While it is totally countercultural to claim a place of silence in our lives, I do think it necessary and something that we owe to one another that we maintain a respectful and reverential atmosphere at Mass.
11 comments:
Why do you hate children, Ryan?
I don't hate children! I just have expectations that they behave sometimes.
Children should behave in church with age-appropriate expectations.
I would rather have a parent with a noisy kid at mass, than have a parent stay home.
I am a single parent. I've raised five children in church and seen them through to teenagerhood or adultdom. I have just begun anew with a three year old.
I recognize that children can be a distraction, but it is a far sweeter distraction to hear the natural sounds of children than to hear the hissing and threatenings of parents trying to wrestle their modestly misbehaving young'uns into a reverential state.
Yes, it is easier to pray in silence and easier to maintain reverence. Yes we ought to try to claim a place of silence in our lives, but it is unrealistic to expect that to be absolute in the same place where we gather. I humbly suggest that you ought to try to inculcate prayer and writing in noisy places. It is a great spiritual exercise and one with benefits that extend to other areas of life.
To attend mass, I already relegate myself to the 6:30 pm Sunday slot so as to disadvantage as few as possible. But I am not going to threaten, chasten or otherwise act uncharitably toward a child just to give my neighbors the perfect silence they can't get because their televisions at home don't have an off switch.
I suggest that noisy children might knock a few rough corners off those who need it. I try to imagine the multitudes who gathered without pews to hear Jesus speak, to encounter the Son of God... four thousand, five thousand at a pop. Then I try to imagine what all of those children were doing at the time.
Freddy, I do not in general disagree at all. I totally get when babies get fussy - I'm the oldest of five and know only too well the sounds of cranky babies - and I've no trouble with this. I do, however, have enormous problems with kids fooling around during Mass and actively distracting other people. I have great compassion for the single mother in a pew with a crying baby and two other wee ones with her: it's a tough situation.
Two weeks ago, a parent with an infant just sat there as the child wailed throughout the homily. In some parishes, this might be fine but the priest was elderly and, to be honest, the baby's cries drowned out his voice (I was sitting one pew in front of the baby). I do not think it unreasonable to expect that the parent move to the back of the church as I'm certain others had an equally difficult time hearing.
One doesn't need to threaten a child: one needs simply to set forth the expectation of the behavior that is expected and then adapt accordingly. If a parent allows a child to run rampant through the church, the dereliction of duty is on the part of the parent who has failed to establish what is expected and tolerable.
Perhaps I should say that I don't expect absolute silence. I expect respectful quiet. I'm wholly sympathetic to restaurants that have forbidden children of a certain age from entering: the good of the whole needs to be kept in mind and, sometimes, kids are really distracting. I love children and I'm glad their parents are bringing them up in the faith and I want to support that but, if the kids can't behave, I honestly think it's unfair to expect that everyone else suffer. There are children's masses and programming available for them and these should be taken advantage of if necessary.
Thank you, though, for your comment. I think it helpful to hear other voices on this topic which, to be sure, can be pretty touchy!
I have to agree with you Ryan. I have no problem with children of all ages in Mass/Church. MANY Churches these days have "Mother's Chapels" attached where they can hear and see what is going on, and can come out to receive Communion when it is time.
When I was being raised as a Methodist by my parents, we were in DEEP trouble when we got to the car if we made sounds or did stupid things during the service. And I mean BIG time trouble. We would get "that look" from our Dad which we knew was not good for us.
In yesterday's Mass (I'm a convert to the Catholic Church, and pray to be soon a Friar in the Church) the pew behind me had one family and the 4ish year was running back and forth talking to everyone and trying to reach for my crutches (knee surgery this past Wednesday) to play with them. VERY distracting, and the parents did nothing about it until I turned around and smiled at him and said, careful to the boy.
Across from the center aisle from me a 6 month old was beating on the older man in front of them (not family) through have the service, and you could see the old man inching forward without leaving his seat to get away from it and pay attention to the Mass as it was going. The whole time the little boy was jabbering away.
In both of those cases, we have a room where those parents should be going with their kids where they can still hear and participate in the Mass, and come out of and partake in the Eucharist. Why don't they?
(Don't even get me started on Dressing For Our King, or the lack there of...)
Don
http://exposeyourblog.com
I have no children, but I think this is a sensitive subject, where I mostly have to agree with Freddy. I want parents to come to church with their children, and if, for whatever reason, the children behave badly, chances are that the effect of such comments is simply to drive away another family from church. There will be some parents who can take a bit of "tough love" like this, but many others will just think "ok, they don't want my children and me in church, so I won't go there any more". This is the problem I have with this article - it's written in such a sweeping way that it has potential to hurt some people who are trying as good as they can in their circumstances - but still their children are unruly. I know it means more work, but maybe it would be a more helpful approach to talk to the parents of an unruly child directly after the service. You may be able to actually change their behaviour once they know it hinders you from praying, or you may learn something about the family that makes you change your mind.
And as Freddy said, Jesus probably had the same problem - it seems he used to go to a mountain when he wanted to pray in silence, not to the synagogue.
Karin, thanks for your comment. I should add that this isn't an article: It's a tongue-in-cheek reflection that, I thought, people would find more entertaining than serious. While the kernel of the issues is very straightforward - at times the behavior of children at Mass, and in public in general, can be appalling and this is permitted by some parents - it's only mean to make the point that there are places where we should be able to go to pray together in reverence and silence.
I play Irish music and I'm used to playing in some crazy places. But when there is a performance, we expect a quiet audience. When I play for Irish dancers, we repeatedly ask people to be quiet, because we know that we need (1) respect for the dancer and (2) an atmosphere where the dancer can perform under ideal circumstances. I simply don't see why the same can't be asked for at church, that the congregation in general be expected to comport themselves in a respectful manner.
Here ya go, Ryan: http://thedailywh.at/2011/07/20/sign-of-the-times-of-the-day-12/
I live in japan and it's my first time to read your post. I find it very interesting how you can be able to share what you really think and feel on many things. This took my attention. My only comment is that I can fully understand how you feel about the respect, silence and I agree. But the same time, Parents with kids reluctantly come to church because of the noise their children create. How can we reconcile and go for a win win solution? why not have a children's mass or youth mass instead?
Hello, I just wanted to add a PS to my previous comment, because since this morning I'm wondering whether we are talking about an issue of cultural differences here: I live in Switzerland and normallly go to a usual parish mass here, which is mostly attended by the older generation and few families. But today for the first time I went to the English mass, which has a lively community of all ages - and yes, when the priest mentioned at the end that parents could take their children to the crypt (the service is transmitted) I found myself wishing that more people would have used that opportunity earlier on! Possibly the reason why I couldn't fully understand your troubles before is the fact that most Swiss families don't go to church at all. But families from other cultures do - and I'll be back at that English service, because despite or because of all the children it made me feel closer to God than the services I normally go to.
Hmmmmm....I had certain thoughts about this that changed once I actually had a child. But lucky for us, our child visits the childcare center during our services. He's much happier there, where he can move around, talk, and explore to his heart's content, and we're much happier too. I'm not sure whether it's unfortunate or not that Aidan's first few years of "church" will mean jungle gyms, fun snacks that I don't allow him to have at home, time with friends, and childcare workers who dote on him:)
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